Why I'm not a famous star

God I need to lose weight. I keep eating mozzarella cheese on raw mushrooms, and I think it's beginning to reach my chin.

I did a juice cleanse detox thing (cheated every single day with some form of carbohydrate snack) but instead of feeling resolved towards a healthier life style, I felt that if I didn't eat a packet of crisps, I'd DIE.

Told myself I wasn't allowed chocolate until I wrote 2000 words, thinking I could guilt myself into behaving, but honestly, I've never typed so fast in my life. Good for Uni work, bad for diet.

Now watching 'my mad fat diary', and aside from her nymphomaniac tendencies (well, compared to my prudish ways), I can't help thinking it's me...

This is exactly why I'm not a celebrity.

EEK.

I've just realised that at some point I'm going to have to hand my thesis in.

Physically.

I've always know I had to submit one, but for some reason I never twigged that this would mean physically printing it out, proof reading it, binding it, and actually handing it in. I think I've been doing my studies on a virtual level, where you don't have to print things out.

I can't even imagine what this will be like. I'd like to think I will feel proud and relieved to be handing it in, but I suspect I will have not slept in weeks and will therefore be feeling like anyone who tries to speak to me should be shot.

I hope I have money on my printing account.

Hi, I'm the new village idiot, Lisa of Ethelwick

My parents recently moved house, so today I went to explore my new 'hood. Being in 'the north' is very different to being in the south. The people here do not have the letter 'h' and live in harmony with their 25 letter alphabet. They eat pies to keep themselves chubby and therefore insulated from the harsh winter, yet remain slim. Probably because they are ploughing the fields.

They are very friendly and so I must say hello to them all and smile. I like that, that's cool. The lack of Reiss and French Connection is lending me a degree of suffering, however.

We now live in what is called a 'cul-de-sac'. This seems to mean we live on a little dead-end street with fields around us. I left this cul-de-sac and discovered the local entertainment:

- two pubs. One for the civilised, and one for the locals. Jokes. But one is def rougher than the other.

- a shop. Fresh vegetables and eggs from the farm. I feel so country.

- a chiropodist. In case you get sore feet from ploughing the fields.

- a beauty salon. Having seen the eyebrows around here, I don't think I'll be going in. Could provide soothing treatments for those ploughing the fields.

- a Church. Every village simply MUST have one. Ours comes in a lovely taupe with moss green.

- a village hall, two play parks, tennis court, bowling green and football pitch. Jesus. Starting to be worried about meeting rosy-cheeked jolly-hockey stick types. Crossed the road quickly and stealthily. I'm curvy and I like it that way, I will not be made to chase balls outside. I am not a dog. Bet they eat ryvita and all sorts in that place.

- saved the best 'til last...an ice cream cafe and sweet shop. In a village. Fucking love this.


In all seriousness, I love my parents new home and don't want to leave. But if I stay here I will get fatter, because I don't plough.

I ate a pie...

Goldilocks and the three bears

Goldilocks had a spatial awareness problem. Who the hell has to try sitting on three chairs if significantly different sizes to realise which one fits their arse?

And who breaks into someone's house and sleeps in their bed?!

The more I think about it, the more I come to realise that this chick was batcrazy.

Gossip Girl

Not watched the final yet, but does anyone else think the character names are a wee bit rude?

Blair and Serena get called B and S...BS...yup.

Chuck Bass...Bass...tard.

That's actually all I've got.

Scamming

Have you been in an accident?

Were you not looking where you were going, and walked into a lamppost?

Did you slip and fall on a floor because you were wearing stupidly high heels?

Does a sore thumb lead you to take a year off work?

Do you want to sue that floor, and take down that lamppost?

Call any dodgy looking company who advertise on tv and use text speak (injury lawyers 4 u...seriously?) and ruin someone else's life by gaining money for a mild injury.

What office worker (with a badly cut fringe) needs a month off work for a damaged knee?

I just don't think it's right to sue for every accident and claim money for distress etc. I was in an accident and I was upset... Okay, £3000 will ease the pain and suffering.

This is the UK. The nhs will look after our pain and suffering for free. It is not like we have to pay to get our broken bones healed. And maybe I'm wrong, but when the people in these adverts say they've had a month off work for a broken hand (unless their work involves manual labour, i.e. builder, dentist...) I think it's skiving. I had to go to school with broken ribs, and they totally make breathing difficult. But then I am a trooper.

To conclude, go forth and don't sue people unless it's absolutely necessary. And find a lawyer who looks half f decent; for these adverts they seem to find the most dishonest looking people in existence; would you honestly trust that grey haired guy with the foot long gap between his eyebrows?

I didn't think so.

This has got me thinking about how I am a shallow person as I judge by appearance...physiognomy is still at large.

Back to Uni work I go.

Karma revisited

Dear Karma,

I'm beginning to lose my patience. Some people have wronged me in the past, and they are not suffering sufficiently. I do not think it is acceptable that they still have two eyebrows and have not sat on any whoopee cushions in their lectures.

This is just not good enough.

When people wrong me, I look to you, Karma, to ensure that they are punished. They should be falling into lion pits, losing all their hair, or finding that their toenails are growing at an uncontrollable pace. They should not be prancing about like Mary bloody Poppins as if they're not horrible human beings.

You've given me some good karma, I'll grant you that, but if you do not start dishing out the bad karma, you will be owed some bad karma for further annoying me.

You have been warned.