Lisa was in a bad mood as she left the doctors surgery. Having broken her nose during a particularly vigorous game of battleships, she felt as though she was walking about with a traffic cone attached to her face. Being told she had to wait a year before it could be fixed was intolerable, and surely a travesty of international proportions. Despite friends assuring her that she looked fine, Lisa knew her nose was attempting to crawl round her face to join her right ear. She was not being paranoid or irrational. This nose had been let loose, and was clearly going to ruin her life.
In addition, Lisa had seen an ex boyfriend of hers when she had decided to go running. Flailing about in the midst of what could only have been a heart attack was not how Lisa wanted ex boyfriends to remember her. To add insult to injury, the ex had cut his hair and now looked like a shaved bird. Why is it that when you stop seeing a person they take it as an excuse to go about looking like a complete tosser? The mind boggles.
Friday, 21 September 2012
Friday, 31 August 2012
Asparagus
Does anyone like asparagus? I was thinking about it, and I don't see how anyone can. It's weird, and apparently it makes your pee smell funny. I don't like it at all. It reminds me of this tv show, where these leeks had faces and it was really creepy. I don't mind leeks though. The leeks with faces didn't look like leeks; they looked like asparagus.
Even the name asparagus sounds bad. Like abacus, but green and non-educational. I don't like it at all.
On second thoughts, I'm not sure there actually was a tv show with scary talking leeks, I think it was maybe a dream I had. Regardless, I do not like asparagus.
Even the name asparagus sounds bad. Like abacus, but green and non-educational. I don't like it at all.
On second thoughts, I'm not sure there actually was a tv show with scary talking leeks, I think it was maybe a dream I had. Regardless, I do not like asparagus.
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Irritated
Today I have been getting really irritated by the adverts polluting my television time. Polo and golf cars are at the top of my list.
What sane person, just buys a car in the same way they buy groceries?! I realise that if you were rich arbitrarily buying a car would not seem insane, but I assume rich people do not buy polos or golfs. To a normal individual like me, these adverts promote reckless spending, and whilst they make me feel less guilty for squandering eighty quid on a pair of Wellington boots, they still make me feel irritated.
I am also irritated by my iPad automatically 'correcting' my spelling. I meant to write 'polos', iPad. If I meant 'pools', my comment would not make sense, as of course rich people buy pools. Furthermore, when I am writing specifically about maids, I do not appreciate my apparently politically correct iPad to 'correct' this to 'house cleaners'. If the book I am writing about says maid, that's what I gotta say too. If my iPad had a degree in English it would realise this, and stop irritating me.
Which brings me to the final source of my irritation: Internet arguments. Correcting another person's spelling does not mean you have automatically won the argument. It means you are an asshole.
What sane person, just buys a car in the same way they buy groceries?! I realise that if you were rich arbitrarily buying a car would not seem insane, but I assume rich people do not buy polos or golfs. To a normal individual like me, these adverts promote reckless spending, and whilst they make me feel less guilty for squandering eighty quid on a pair of Wellington boots, they still make me feel irritated.
I am also irritated by my iPad automatically 'correcting' my spelling. I meant to write 'polos', iPad. If I meant 'pools', my comment would not make sense, as of course rich people buy pools. Furthermore, when I am writing specifically about maids, I do not appreciate my apparently politically correct iPad to 'correct' this to 'house cleaners'. If the book I am writing about says maid, that's what I gotta say too. If my iPad had a degree in English it would realise this, and stop irritating me.
Which brings me to the final source of my irritation: Internet arguments. Correcting another person's spelling does not mean you have automatically won the argument. It means you are an asshole.
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
lady luck
Having a really good week, so have bought lottery tickets just in case I'm extra lucky just now. Did not realise how complicated the lottery actually is. There are thunderballs, lucky stars, and sometimes you need five numbers but other times you need six. I had to go back and make changes 'cause my first attempt was wrong. Not feeling so lucky now.
There were a lot of slow walkers in town today, so I huffed a lot, and daydreamed about leap-frogging over people, which then led to me thinking about basketball, and whether I'd be any good at it. I was torn between learning piano, bagpipes or ballet, and now I must add basketball to this list.
Have been thinking a lot about the future recently. Keep wondering how many things are going to change. Wispas went away for a bit, but came back which was ok, and marathon bars changed their name to snickers bars, but what changes will the future bring? Maybe crunchie bars will not be with us in the future. Or worse, I'll move away from the UK and have to eat chocolate that does not taste like chocolate. Like Hershey's. Blergh.
Some questions for 'the future':
- Will Jedward still have really tall hair?
- Will Susanna Gregory keep writing books for me to read?
- Are there going to be books, or is everything going to be online?
- Am I going to need a lawyer for anything?
Hmmmm
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Olympics
Today I found a quiz that tells you what kind of Olympian you would be. I found it on my friend's girlfriend's friend's page, obvs.
It might have said sailing, fencing or athletics, but I like to think it said Kate Middleton 'cause that would be my ideal Olympic job. I would sit and look sophisticated with nice shiny hair. This means that I will need to purchase some hair shiner, and start looking more sophisticated and less fidgety.
I might take up swimming, just in case I am really good at it, and no one has realised yet. I am no longer completely scared of swimming pools, so anything is possible.
Also I hate KFC and wish their adverts would stop annoying me.
It might have said sailing, fencing or athletics, but I like to think it said Kate Middleton 'cause that would be my ideal Olympic job. I would sit and look sophisticated with nice shiny hair. This means that I will need to purchase some hair shiner, and start looking more sophisticated and less fidgety.
I might take up swimming, just in case I am really good at it, and no one has realised yet. I am no longer completely scared of swimming pools, so anything is possible.
Also I hate KFC and wish their adverts would stop annoying me.
Monday, 23 July 2012
Karma
Today I have been thinking about karma. This idea that when you do something bad, something bad will happen to you really bothers me, because lots of bad things happen to me when I've not done anything wrong myself. This has led me to conclude that our interpretation of karma must be wrong.
1. I do something bad.
2. The universe comes to get me.
We assume that when bad things happen to us, it is due to us being bad. But what if we have the order of events wrong? Consider this:
1. The universe bites me in the ass.
2. It is now my turn to do something to really hack somebody else off.
I think that when something bad happens to us, it is not 'karma' for something bad that we have done. I think it is the universe giving us permission to be bad ourselves. So karma is actually reverse karma: when bad things happen to you, it is not your fault. It is your turn to hide your flatmates porridge, or eat all your boyfriend's food.
Enjoy.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Cruisin'
Have returned from holiday, so everything is crap as it is no longer sunny and my tan is due to fade. There is also no ice cream. Schade.
When on a cruise ship, I have learnt that there are certain things you must avoid doing:
1. 'iceberg, right ahead!' - even if you say this when on the back of the ship (i.e. sailing away from the non-existent iceberg) people still panic. So don't do it.
2. 'this lifts going down a lot faster than usual' when in a crowded lift. Only the deaf will remain in the lift with you.
3. 'what flavour ice cream is there?' when the sea is choppy. People will get sick.
I still haven't unpacked. My room is like the dead sea; near impossible to wade through when I need to put mascara on. Which reminds me, putting mascara on when you are on a ship is near impossible, I kept jabbing myself in the eye. Walking in heels was also a lot harder...I did my usual 'walking in heels routine' where I pretend I'm super Mario, and I get points for overcoming obstacles like steps, slippery floors, and pensioners.
I am thinking of learning a musical instrument again. I'd quite like to revisit the piano, but I also really like the idea of playing the bagpipes. I could be like the pied piper of Hamelin, and could adapt my skills to get all of the rubbish men out of Scotland, leaving only hot and eligible gentlemen.
When on a cruise ship, I have learnt that there are certain things you must avoid doing:
1. 'iceberg, right ahead!' - even if you say this when on the back of the ship (i.e. sailing away from the non-existent iceberg) people still panic. So don't do it.
2. 'this lifts going down a lot faster than usual' when in a crowded lift. Only the deaf will remain in the lift with you.
3. 'what flavour ice cream is there?' when the sea is choppy. People will get sick.
I still haven't unpacked. My room is like the dead sea; near impossible to wade through when I need to put mascara on. Which reminds me, putting mascara on when you are on a ship is near impossible, I kept jabbing myself in the eye. Walking in heels was also a lot harder...I did my usual 'walking in heels routine' where I pretend I'm super Mario, and I get points for overcoming obstacles like steps, slippery floors, and pensioners.
I am thinking of learning a musical instrument again. I'd quite like to revisit the piano, but I also really like the idea of playing the bagpipes. I could be like the pied piper of Hamelin, and could adapt my skills to get all of the rubbish men out of Scotland, leaving only hot and eligible gentlemen.
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