Local fashion heroes - the man who invented felfies

As a Christmas special, I am going to introduce you to another local fashion hero, Stig.  Stig has been featured in several issues of Vogue, and is best known for his adherance to the water and watermelon diet.

In 1958, before he was even born, Stig coined the term 'felfie': the fashion selfie.  Only fashionable people can take felfies; a lot of you will only ever be capable of the more common selfie.  I take lots of felfies, as you have seen in my previous flog entries.

So, what can we learn from Stig's most recent felfie?  As expected, Christmas jumpers are so in right now, and can be expected to remain in fashion until mid January, at which point they will be replaced by rabbit ears.

Stig's jumper is accessorised with a Christmas tree which he has attached to his back, and a strategically positioned fireplace.  For this, Stig is awarded 10/10.

You can see Stig in the next Anchorman film:

In which he stars alongside my grandmother:

Stay classy, blog readers (unless you are reading this wearing polka dots, in which case there is no hope for you.)

Kiss kiss!

Make up chic

Yesterday I had the privilege of working with one of the world's top make up artists, Kelza Woo.  

Note how she is wearing a hat (clearly she has been reading my flog), and fab Chanel trousers and a chic top. Anyone who says she has just nicked her boyfriend's pijamas needs to read Vogue once in a while.

She came out with several classic gems of wisdom such as: 

'each eye is an individual and should be treated as such'

'why just backcomb your hair when you have eyebrows that also need volume?'.  

'I think that eyes are very lateral.'

I am sure I will hold onto these for the rest of my life.  

We decided to focus on an everyday look, suitable for work, or occasions where you aren't really supposed to wear make up.

One eye.

One eye.

Two eyes.

As you can see, I have two eyes, which is the perfect amount of eyes, and each eye has a different look; glitterati and tropical beach.  You will also notice that I look a different colour in each photo - this is because we experimented with different light effects to show you the full colour spectrum of this make up art, and not because we couldn't figure out how to use the camera properly.

To get this look, grab whatever eye shadows you have and shove it all on and hope for the best.  Then use eyeliner.

Kids - do try this at school.

My next make up look will be on how to minimise your nose.  Next up - the fabulous Stig and his 'felfies'.

Kiss kiss!

(I have dropped the oo oo ooo as people were not taking it seriously.)

Major new home furnishing trend!!!

So, there is a new curtain trend which, being very hip, I am the first to discover:

Curtains-that-are-too-short-and-show-the-blinds-underneath.  This is going to be huge in spring/summer 2014, so naturally I have put mine in place now.  As you can see, the shorter curtain length lends a nice 'petticoat' effect to the overall window/curtain aesthetic.  

To achieve this look, either buy curtains that are about a foot too short for your window, or just acquire a pair of scissors and hack off the bottom of your existing curtains.

Kisss kiss ooo ooo oooo

(No longer contagious)

P.S - dear unfashionable readers, no I did not measure my window incorrectly and buy the wrong size of curtains.  I sincerely hope you are happy not being able to see the bottom of your blinds, in your odd socks and crocs.

Local fashion heroes

I have decided that once a week, or month, or when I can be bothered, I shall do a fashion feature on local talent.

Today we have Saul, who kindly gave me permission to share one of his everyday looks:

As you can see, Saul has a good supply of hats, which as my previous entry tells you, is crucial to be able to disguise oneself adequately.  Saul also has a plastic basket, which I am sure he will lend you less-hatted individuals.

The parasol may seem unnecessary as the hat would keep the rain off Saul's excellent hair, but it is important to accessorise.  This is what Saul wears to go to the local library, to take out books on machine guns and farming.

The corset, although not doing much for Saul's lack of bosom, apparently made his ass look 'fine'.  This is a good thing.

Overall, I rate this look 9/10, because the pose looks a little more 'let's play hopscotch' than 'couture'.  Additionally, Saul clearly needs some of those glasses with the special shade flippy bits:

This looks totally normal, and Made in Chelsea's Spencer does not look at all like a bellend.

Oo ooo ooo

(Still contagious)

The art of disguise

So, I currently have mumps which means I am in a kind of quarantine for a few days.  I look like I have either gained a lot of weight or morphed into a hamster.

But never fear, I am always prepared, and here is a flog (fashion blog, please keep up with in-trend terminology) I made earlier.

How to go out and not be recognised:

I have been trying to think of subtle disguises, that famous people could use.  Obviously they always wear sunlglasses, and possibly also fake moustaches, but I think that they are missing something:

A hat.

Noone would recognise me if I went out like this, and it is the hat that ensures that nobody knows it's me.  The hat says 'Madeira' which adds confusion, as people see a girl in this hat and think 'oh, she is from Madeira.'  You could also use a hat that names a different location.

If you do not have a hat, and do not want to go hat shopping, I offer an alternative solution:

Basket.

Et voila.

Hope nobody else has mumps!

Oo oo oooo

(No kiss kiss as it spreads mumps)

Faux Fur Fab

In light of this horrible cold weather, my next fashion blog, or flog, will be on how to wear fake fur and look fabulous.  Or furrbulous, if you will.

Faux fur coat, faux fur hat - easy.  Cold ankles?  Use a faux fur scarf.  Need a handbag?  Use a monkey puppet.  I am also wearing sunglasses, as I do not want people recognising me and asking me for interviews or pictures when I am out.

Monkey puppet has room for purse AND keys.

Celebrities chew their sunglasses, as when you are famous, you are unable to eat proper food.

There is no such thing as too much.

Xoxo

Kiss kiss ooo ooo oooo

NEW BLOG!!!!

So, I am rubbish at updating this blog as I do not have time to write for it.

Solution: I am turning this into a fashion blog.  Following in the footsteps of celebrities, I am going to share pictures of me in clothes.

Not like famous celebrities who share pictures of themselves in the nude.  

I am also not releasing any videos as I do not know how, and also I think my voice sounds weird when it is recorded.

Who knows, this could last for a whole week.

Here is my first look:

Ok, so, this look is called sequin chic, or, chiquin.  Basically, you put on every sequined item you own, and then a hat.

If you do not own any sequin items, you will not be able to achieve this look.  But you can wear a hat.

If you do not own a single hat, you can just wear normal clothes, and no hat, and except us fashionistas to frown on you.

Xoxo

(That is what fashion bloggers say.  I know what x's are, but o's are an enigma to me. Maybe it is like 'kiss kiss ooo ooo ooooo')

Mishaps

I have had a couple of mishaps recently.

Firstly, I was happily walking along Peter Road, when I decided I was a bit hot, and so unzipped my coat.  A girl walking towards me stared in horror, as if this was something out of the ordinary.  I smiled at her reassuringly, assuming she was worried I'd get cold, and walked on.  After a while I did feel a bit if a draft, so I looked down to zip my coat back up, only to discover that my top had ridden aaaall the way up and I had been walking with my bra on show and I wasn't even sucking my tummy in.  I am lucky I was not arrested.

Secondly, I was having a drink of water before leaving the house the other day, and I managed to spill it down my trousers.  I had to change, and was very nearly late.  Even though when we see a person with wet trousers we know they haven't really peed themselves, it is still not a good look.

Finally, today I was brushing my hair with my special de-tangling brush, when it hit a tangle.  Instead of de-tangling my hair as promised, the brush reacted like a cyclist driving full speed into a bin: it crashed into my tangle, flew out of my hand up into the air...and hit me on the head as it fell to the floor.

I am now in the market for a new hairbrush, as this one has sore offended me.

Reviews

Today I have decided to review some products.

1. Bobble

Bobble is a water bottle with a built-in filter.  Despite not needing to filter the water in the area in which I live, this bottle has coaxed me away from buying bottled water, and so will save me lots of money, making me rich.  The downside?  It leaked into my handbag and made my cling filmed biscuit soggy.  So I carry it in my hands now.

2.  Marks and Spencers cakes

This seems so obvious - markies is great so clearly their cakes are also super yummy.  But they are also lower in calories than Mr Kippling and tescos own.  So I felt the need to review them as very good.

3.  The new Bridget Jones' Diary book

Well, if she's killing off Colon Firth's character, what is the bloody point in life?  We should all just give up.

4.  Marks and Spencers cakes

Needed to cope with the stress of new Bridget Jones' diary book.

5. Bobble

Washes down all the cakes I have eaten to cope with aforementioned life ruinng book.

I may be a little distressed today.

For anyone who is thinking about a nose job...

Here is my blog on septorhinoplasty:

http://septorhinoplastyblog.blogspot.co.uk/

Will update it tomorrow, and every few days thereafter.

Hello blogger, I had forgotten about you

Some thoughts:

I think I am being outsmarted by my hamster, who, is not very smart.

I have messed up my sleep pattern and have started doing bedtime stomach crunches to try to burn off my mad hyperactive energy.

...This means I may have to stop eating freezepops.

Today:

Today I had a gloriously fun lunch for a close friends birthday, which was then contrasted with the tedious boredom of the library.  There is currently construction work going on in the library, and the workers have fenced off all of the books.  I think someone needs to explain the point of a library to them, as I do not go to the library for the uncomfortable seating and their butt cracks.  Nonetheless, I found a computer and did a bit of work.  I then realised I had forgotten to bring a pen with me.  I did not need to write any notes, but there was a girl asleep on a desk near me who clearly wanted me to draw on her face.  If I had had some tippex, I would even have separated her eyebrows for her.

Well, that was my day, and the full extent of my brainpower just now.

Goodnight.

Haven't written in a while

...so I decided to update.

I don't like games. The electronic ones, like super mario, candy crush, bingo etc. I just think the computer cheats, because I always lose even though I am actually quite a good gamer.

I want a good chess set, so I can play chess with people with a glass of wine. I really want replicas of the Lewis chessmen 'cause they're really fugly and cute, but I can't afford that. This is what savings accounts are for. On the bright side I have champagne and borolo, so at least I can drink some good wine.

Diet not happening because I like Mccoys crisps and cornettos at the moment. Wish I liked celery, but I think it is stringy and weird.

I have two guest blog entries coming up: one had to be on 'lad culture' so it is basically an angry Liz rant:

http://quiteirregular.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/lad-culture-loser-culture-elizabeth-rogers-on-the-lad-culture-report/

Would quite like to research this topic properly and do more with it. Hmm.

And the other will be on inspiration and creativity...but seeing as I am not inspirational or creative, I might try to alter this topic. Perhaps irritable and chaotic?

David Kirsch detox day one

Detox kit comprises:

Sachets full of powder. No food in sight. Hm.

First thing in the morning you have a grape flavoured detox sachet. This is fine. Grapey.

Then you have a vanilla milkshake.

Not fine.

I think I must have mixed it wrong, as reviewers say it is chalky and flavourless, but I found it was like drinking cake mix.

I didn't mix the super green blend in as the instructions say, as reviewers say not to do this. I am drinking it now mixed with water and the only way to describe it is that I am drinking green.

It's very green and tastes of green mixed with a hint of something sweet. Not sure 'berry' is accurate, Mr Kirsch.

At lunch you are supposed to have a salad with chicken or fish, sprinkled with lemon juice. Well I ate out today and it wasn't on the menu so I had soup and bread, meaning I've cheated already.

And I'm about to eat a creme egg.

To conclude, I don't think I'm very good at detoxing.

Poetry

I've been thinking a lot about the poems I like recently. I love T S Eliot, Spike Milligan, Ezra Pound, Margaret Atwood...

But I HATE a lot of other poetry.

My pet peeve is when these poets start banging on about the weather, and their feelings. Pathetic fallacy, yea yea yea we get it. But if you're living in the UK, and you get all emotional over a rain drop, how on earth can you cope?! If you lose it every time there's a rainbow, you aren't going to get very far.

Especially as I'm proposing a boycott of ALL THE WEATHER POEMS.

Let's end their reign of tyranny.

We do not need to talk, ever, ever.

The phrase 'we need to talk' needs to be eradicated and replaced.

'I need to talk' - because it is presumptuous to think that that the other person will also need to talk.

'I want to talk' - because really, does anyone ever NEED to talk? It is not exactly the same as needing a wee.


Better than this, how about just talking? Instead of announcing the fact that you've got something to say? You don't hear me announcing that I'm about the feed the fish, or text someone back. Conversation is not twitter.


That is all.

Going on Dragons Den

I've had an amazing idea for a product. So here is my pitch, and if any of you fancy making it and sharing profit with me, get in touch!

1. What is the one thing in your life that reeeeeally annoys you, wont listen to reason, and you can't throw because it'll break?

That's right - laptops and computers.

These are one of the most helpful yet irritating inventions known to man. They lose your work, go to sleep at inconvenient times, and are slow when you want them to be quick. How do we vent our frustration? We shout and curse. Do we feel better? No, because the computer does not realise.

2. The solution: punishment for pcs. An item where you can smack the hell out of your pc without damaging it. Perhaps a hitting stick with feathers on the end (feathers don't break things). If we could attach a response to the pc where on being belted it says 'sorry, I will try to do better' this would also be good.

It also needs a nice SLAP sound.

Dale is now my favourite hamster

One of my hamsters was being very cute, crawled up my jumper to say hello...was nosing about my face and then proceeded to BITE my between-eyebrows-bridge-of-nose facial region.

I now have a predicament in that I have a clear red splotch there, and am unsure of how to go from here...I don't want people seeing a red mark and thinking I have a spot. But I also don't want to use concealer on a war injury. I really don't want to explain to randoms that Chip is a biting shitebag.

Oh what's a girl to dooooo

excited

I am excited because it's February.  Here is what one is looking forward to:

1. Valentines Day.  An excellent excuse to eat pizza and quaff prosecco. And steal someone elses flowers to feel like an extra special cat burglar.

2.  fitbit being delivered.  I am rubbish with gadgets, but this is a pedometer and sleep monitor, so if all it requires me to do is walk and sleep, I should be fine.

3.  Champagne tasting evening. This leads to discounts on champagne, which are always welcome, and it is always fun pretending to 'taste' booze when really you're finding it increasingly difficult to stand upright, and have hidden bread sticks in your handbag.

4. Weekend in the south but still north at the battleship championships.  Wonderful opportunity to watch good battleships and drink.

5. forty hundredth attempt at properly doing a juice detox.  Of course I'll cheat, but at least I'll have heaps of vitamins in addition to the chips.

6.  MARCH. March is sooooo much better than February.  aaaiiieeeee!!!!

OMG I forgot pancake day.  I'm losing my touch.  This is a very important day where we remember Jesus not eating and fasting by eating as many pancakes as possible.  The day after is Ash Wednesday, where we remember Jesus's friends setting fire to palm trees or something. 

You'd never know I went to a Catholic school.

Another sensible entry

I've just survived the plague, and as a way of showing how grateful I am to survive, and give back to society, I have written a guide to overcoming illness:

1. Champagne and ice cream. This never fails.

2. If you're cheap (and your flatmate thinks you're joking when you ask for this), orange juice and carbs. I opted for crisps, chips, fortune cookies and chocolate.

(The weight gain keeps you warm, so don't stress over that)

3. To keep burning calories, and avoid gaining too much weight from your new healthy diet, keep complaining about being ill. Complaining burns CALORIES.

Just got distracted by H&M David Beckham advert. If that is a butt double, it will ruin my life.

4. Sleeping is boring, but pretending to be asleep is fun. And probably just as beneficial.

5. If you pretend you're eating salad when you're eating crisps, it feels healthier.


In other news, I really want a bronze of myself. It's much more flattering than clay, and much less narcissistic and cringe-worthy than portraits. I think a bronze would be a good power move...the postman will never dare deliver the wrong mail if there's a bronze of me in the hallway. I HATE it when other people's mail is delivered to my flat. You get your hopes up when you hear he letterbox rattle, and to find out it's not even for you is just intolerable. Especially when you've buzzed the postie in at 7am.

Also started playing a game called word game and am RAGING that I'm losing to someone who uses words like 'ba' 'be' 'jog' and 'nod'. He may have a PhD, but that does not make it any more tolerable.

Nnnggghhh

I care which little ratbag started it

I've been thinking recently about the phrase 'I don't care who started it'. Teachers used to say this a lot in school, and the more I think about it, the more lazy and irresponsible it seems.

Firstly, as a teacher, you are PAID to care. Your job is to teach those ragamuffins, not totally dismiss the cause of issues amongst them by declaring you don't care who started it.

Secondly, in a court of law, that would never, ever stand. Can you imagine if I tried mugging someone, they fought back, and the judge boomed 'I don't care who started it, you shouldn't be fighting!'?

I know investigating these things is a pain in the arse, but I think not acknowledging who is the root cause of a squabble or fight is still important. At the moment, we are telling kids that it doesn't matter if you start a row because you will both get punished equally, I.e. you can be a dick to someone and they'll get punished as well as having had you being a dick to them. Hahahhaaaa!

I propose trials for all those over the age of 3. Obviously sometimes the wrong outcome will be made, but this teaches youngsters that 1. Life isn't fair and 2. That you will still have a 'fair' trial in which to see that life isn't fair.

Welcome to the real world, folks.

Why I'm not a famous star

God I need to lose weight. I keep eating mozzarella cheese on raw mushrooms, and I think it's beginning to reach my chin.

I did a juice cleanse detox thing (cheated every single day with some form of carbohydrate snack) but instead of feeling resolved towards a healthier life style, I felt that if I didn't eat a packet of crisps, I'd DIE.

Told myself I wasn't allowed chocolate until I wrote 2000 words, thinking I could guilt myself into behaving, but honestly, I've never typed so fast in my life. Good for Uni work, bad for diet.

Now watching 'my mad fat diary', and aside from her nymphomaniac tendencies (well, compared to my prudish ways), I can't help thinking it's me...

This is exactly why I'm not a celebrity.

EEK.

I've just realised that at some point I'm going to have to hand my thesis in.

Physically.

I've always know I had to submit one, but for some reason I never twigged that this would mean physically printing it out, proof reading it, binding it, and actually handing it in. I think I've been doing my studies on a virtual level, where you don't have to print things out.

I can't even imagine what this will be like. I'd like to think I will feel proud and relieved to be handing it in, but I suspect I will have not slept in weeks and will therefore be feeling like anyone who tries to speak to me should be shot.

I hope I have money on my printing account.

Hi, I'm the new village idiot, Lisa of Ethelwick

My parents recently moved house, so today I went to explore my new 'hood. Being in 'the north' is very different to being in the south. The people here do not have the letter 'h' and live in harmony with their 25 letter alphabet. They eat pies to keep themselves chubby and therefore insulated from the harsh winter, yet remain slim. Probably because they are ploughing the fields.

They are very friendly and so I must say hello to them all and smile. I like that, that's cool. The lack of Reiss and French Connection is lending me a degree of suffering, however.

We now live in what is called a 'cul-de-sac'. This seems to mean we live on a little dead-end street with fields around us. I left this cul-de-sac and discovered the local entertainment:

- two pubs. One for the civilised, and one for the locals. Jokes. But one is def rougher than the other.

- a shop. Fresh vegetables and eggs from the farm. I feel so country.

- a chiropodist. In case you get sore feet from ploughing the fields.

- a beauty salon. Having seen the eyebrows around here, I don't think I'll be going in. Could provide soothing treatments for those ploughing the fields.

- a Church. Every village simply MUST have one. Ours comes in a lovely taupe with moss green.

- a village hall, two play parks, tennis court, bowling green and football pitch. Jesus. Starting to be worried about meeting rosy-cheeked jolly-hockey stick types. Crossed the road quickly and stealthily. I'm curvy and I like it that way, I will not be made to chase balls outside. I am not a dog. Bet they eat ryvita and all sorts in that place.

- saved the best 'til last...an ice cream cafe and sweet shop. In a village. Fucking love this.


In all seriousness, I love my parents new home and don't want to leave. But if I stay here I will get fatter, because I don't plough.

I ate a pie...