lazy sunday

This afternoon I have been trying to do my uni work, but instead spent three hours attempting to do my online shopping.  The Sainsbury's website is crap and does not work, it is impossible to find anything and I hate hate hate it.  I don't understand why nothing comes up when I search for low fat cooking oil; I even wrote 'flora' to help them find what I was after.  Despite the challenges I faced, I remained undaunted and managed to complete my shopping.  Sainsbury's had an offer on frozen fruit so I am slightly appeased.

Sadly this delay means I am spending my evening wading my way through books, and because I am tired all I have managed to learn it that it really is the winter of my discontent.

My neighbours now have pan pipes.  They have not yet mastered their accordion or trombone, so I think they ought to try a simpler instrument before attempting pan pipes.  And quieter.

Really fancy some toast.  Buttt I don't have a toaster or bread.  Also not entirely sure how to use a toaster; if you can't see the bread toasting, how can you know it's ready?  They need to invent clear toasters, like how ovens now have clear doors so that you can see what is happening inside them.

I have another invention idea: spray on vinegar.  So that your chips don't get drowned in the stuff.

sea monkeys

Today I was watching my sea monkeys swimming about (and having sex with each other), and I realised how sea monkeys are similar to everything else.

- You can have a lot of things, but if you don't look after each individual thing well, you will lose some; baby sea monkeys often don't survive :(

- You can be annoyed at things, but it won't change anything; my sea monkeys will not stop shagging despite the fact that I have told them not to

and finally:

- Jeremy Kyle never fixes anything; my sea monkeys do not know who their fathers are

cat woman

I do not understand why the term 'cat lady' is seen as negative.  Firstly, cats are quite nice.  They purr, do not make you take them for walks, and do funny things, such as chasing string.  Furthermore, seeing as a lot of men are utter pillocks, it seems understandable that a woman would refuse to settle for one of these aforementioned pillocks and instead settle calmly with a happy cat (or five).

I would not actually want more than three cats, as I think they'd begin to get under my feet.  And they'd outnumber me, and after seeing that milk advert where a gang of cats with thumbs are at a man's door, I think I will amend my cat owning goals to just one cat.  That way I am at least equally matched if there was ever to be some form of disagreement.


Last night I had a really weird dream thing, where I woke up and was really cold, but I couldn't move to get up and put the heating on.  I was STUCK.  At first I thought I was frozen, but then realised I was experiencing that dream thing where you are asleep but conscious.  It was horrible :(

At least if I had a cat I would have had a furry friend to complain to about it when I woke up.  Instead I had to go on with my life as if nothing happened.

Sandwiches

I am fed up of sexist sandwich jokes.  If one more BOY makes a joke to me about making sandwiches, I probably won't do anything, but I will be very, very, cross.

Here is an example of an offending joke:

'make me a sandwich'









Sorry for the long space, I was laughing too hard to type for a while there.

I have three main issues with this joke:

1.  It is sexist.  Sexism is not funny to me, as it is still an issue.  The number of men I have heard saying 'I wouldn't hire a woman because she'd go off and get pregnant' appals me.  As well as the phrase 'go off and get pregnant'.  Here is how I imagine this:

Man: Go make me a sandwich.
Woman: Goes to make a sandwich.  Returns - PREGNANT.
Man: ...
Woman: Don't worry, it's a girl!  There will be lots and lots of sandwiches!
Man: Ok. Can you make some and put them in the freezer for when you go on maternity leave?  I can't hope with two bits of bread, and stuff, it's too much for my brain to cope with.

Or scenario B:

Woman: It's a boy...there will be no more sandwiches.
Man: You're fired.  Wait I can't do that, I'll get sued.  Either build me a time machine so I can go back in time and not hire you, you big preggo, or go make lots of sandwiches and put them in the freezer so I don't starve to death.

Which brings me to point number two:

2.  It is also offensive to men, as it implies that are retarded chauvinists who are unable to get two pieces of bread and put some stuff in it.  They don't even have to cut the bread these days; you can buy it sliced!

I wonder if the phrase 'best thing since sliced bread' came about because a lot of men couldn't cope with cutting bread.  It is quite hard cutting it into equally sized slices.

3.  It is doubly offensive to women because it implies our culinary skills do not stretch further than a simple sandwich.

Man: What's for dinner?
Woman: Sandwiches.

If a guy asked me to make them a sandwich, part of my angry refusal would be that it is not a challenging task.  Ask me to make brioche or omelette; that at least acknowledges that I can cook.

And I'm going to add a fourth point to my argument here...the joke is just not funny.  It is old, repetitive, and sad.  There are much more funny things to joke about, like when people fall over, or when seagulls do their little dance to get worms out of the ground.  Lots of things are more funny than sandwiches.

To conclude: do not ever ask me to make sandwiches.  Ever.

the last week

The last week has been clouded both literally and metaphorically; the weather has been crap and I have had a lot of work to do.  So I have not had a lot of fun.

On Saturday I went shopping to cheer myself, and bought a FAB dress which obviously brightened my day.

However.

One of the security tags was not removed.

This meant that I was wandering about town setting off every shop alarm I encountered.  The Zara security guard went through my bags to see what I'd been nicking, despite the fact that I hadn't even gone into Zara; I just walked past.

This has led me to conclude that security tags are too powerful, and too well hidden if even shop assistants don't manage to remove all of them.  We need a new anti-theft system and I think I have the answer:

Random arrests.  If we keep randomly locking people up, we'll probably catch half the criminals out of luck.  And if  you are arrested by mistake, you get your shopping for FREE.  Win-win.

Channel hopping

Channel hopping is a dangerous thing, especially late at night. The safest thing to do is to remain watching south park, and then go to bed before midnight.

Television starts to get freaky at midnight.

Firstly, there are all these shopping channels, trying to sell you crap that you don't need. Like monthly deliveries of make up, and monthly Zumba CDs. I like make up and I like Zumba, but monthly deliveries wold bankrupt me, and no amount of zumba with a beautifully made up face is going to help that.

Tonight I stumbled onto a sex show. Not porn or anything like that, it was one of those educational ones. And it worried me. Apparently I have a prostate that I never knew about. I thought only men had them. Which means I could get prostate cancer. And then I started worrying, because what if other people don't know that girls have prostates, and don't notice if I get the prostate cancer. While I was having a panic attack and googling where my prostate is, the show started talking about female ejaculation, and saying if feels like peeing. And looks like peeing. And could well be peeing, but happily. Not sure I want any of that.

Now being told by another shopping channel that if I buy their product I will look younger, be more relaxed and feel good about myself. It is a 'magic wand'. Pretty sure all the women in the advert have had Botox, so instead of buying their 70 pound cream I might just save up for that. Or get hold of some black widow spiders (botulin poison = Botox!) and start up my own salon.

To conclude, don't stay up late, and never ever watch channel five!!! Unless you are watching the hotel inspector. That, of course, is acceptable.

Or Colombo.