Top Hat

My next couple of blog posts are going to make a return to fashion.  Partly because one of my fans requested this (he needs all the fashion advice he can get) and also because I keep seeing people wearing hats I don't like. I don't think anyone should wear a baseball cap in the gym, and I also do not think people should wear warm furry hats indoors with a vest top. It makes no sense and it must be stopped.

So: below you will see my famous sequined cap, appropriate for wearing in Benidorm, with a sequined blazer. This kind of hat is excellent because it is sparkly but also stops sun getting in your eyes. A hat like this comes with responsibility: never wear it with velvet (velvet is banned ok) and don't sit on it or you'll damage the sequins.  I may wear this for the solar eclipse tomorrow.

Now, I can't think of anything worse than wearing a hat with sequins and being in a poorly-lit area where noone is able to appreciate your blingnosity. This is why it is also important to have a light-up sequin hat:

There is no point wearing a hat without bling. As you can see from the picture below, no bling or lights means that you are basically walking about with some straw or other material on your head. The one I am wearing has some beads, but this is still not ok and should never be worn outside in public, unless you want to look distinctly average.  You may as well just be a pause because nobody will listen to you if you wear a boring hat.

'Old man' caps are generally only acceptable if you are an old man, play golf, or are a massive twat*, so if you are going down this road I recommend a blingy one.  The one I am wearing below has diamanté on it so that noone will ask me to play golf, but they will admire me from a safe distance.

There may be more to follow.

#theyseemetheyhating

*I've got two, but they cancel each other out so I am still awesome.

Updation

I have not written in ages, and a number* of people have requested that I do so.  So here it is.  I have not been on blogger because, basically, I am really busy and important.  There has been no time to create amazing Shakespear productions, or to begin my 'feet and conversations' project.  I have, however, decided to start up my own sexual product line.  I have been inspired by the films of Derek Jarman, and given that products such as 'Halls' soothers and 'Jakemans' lozenges are popular, I think there could definitely be a gap in the market for 'Jarmans Lube'.  And 'Jubilee Condoms' if time permits.  Obviously I will not be using these products myself, but, I sold clothes pegs when I was in school and I don't use those either, so this project is bound to be a total success.  Move over 'durex', you sound too similar to 'dulux' anyway.  

I think some brand names are just silly. I used to like 'jiff' because it sounded like something would get clean in a jiffy, but now it is called 'ciff' which sounds like an abbreviation for syphilis. And I really do not care for 'cillit bang' because this also sounds smutty.

I have, with persuasion from my friend Kay-Woo joined a baton twirling troupe.  This is really fun, but at the competitions I keep losing to the fourteen year olds.  These competitions are combining two of my least favourite things: youths and losing.  Ugh.  I have made a friend, and we don't like the other girls in our category which is good, but I don't know if I like her either because I suspect her of being a hippy (she had a 'hemp' badge on her bag; I saw it).  My troupe is clearly the best, but at the last competition none of us won a 'princess' award which is wrong and unjust. Obviously I couldn't win because I am too queenly, but the others are all definitely princess-chic.

I am struggling with stain removal just now.  I have a red wine stain on my karate gi that just won't shift. 

Oohh that reminds me, I am now amazing at ironing:

Shirts - just do the front bit and them wear a blazer so that nobody sees the rest

Skirts - buy ruffled ones that don't need ironing

Dresses - get them dry cleaned so that you don't need to iron them

Trousers - these are quite easy because you just go up and down, there are no wibbly bits

Other items - just make sure you don't get tangled in the iron's cord if you walk around the ironing board

I would like to end this blog post with a nice happy thought: don't look down on people unless you are helping them up. Or taller than them, up a ladder, etc.

*One is number.