Selfies

I love selfies.  I like sending people snapchats of my huge face.  However, there are some kinds of selfie that I do not take, and would like my lady friends to stop sending me:

1. The 'I don't know I am being photographed so I am not looking at the camera'

It is a SELFIE.  Nine times out of ten, I can SEE your arm, and know that it is wielding a camera phone.  Also it is actually really hard not to look at the camera, as I have just discovered, so I really don't know why you make the effort.  

2.  The duck/trout pout

How is this sexy?  Or can I just not pull it off?

2. The no make up selfie

Maybe you can fool the boys, but I can see your eyeliner.  Know your audience.

Now go forth, and stop sending me cringey photos of yourself.

Look skinny...teeheehee

On twitter I follow a lot of healthy tweeters - recipes, pictures of fruit, that sort of thing.  But a lot of them have been retweeting some intense weight loss products - diet pills, diet teas, fat burners...and they all show the following kind of image:

The image can be a man or a woman, and they are super slim (bit unlike me, soz) and they hold out their jeans to indicate their weight loss.  Which really annoys me, because the people in the pictures are clearly wearing trousers that are a billion sizes too big, which does not show that a magic product made them lose weight.  It shows that the person in the picture:

a) is crap at buying trousers that fit 

b) has a weird nostalgiafor trousers that are now too big for them (HOARDERS)

c) stole a fat person's trousers

d) sat on their ass for 2 days and stretched their trousers out (like moi)

e) wears maternity trousers and jeggings

Basically, I hate all adverts, unless they are selling chocolate,because chocolate is always good and makes no false claims.

PS - I have lost, like, a pound since this picture was taken, so I probably look mega skinny now.

World cup Luis Suarez special

The Loch

I was having a lovely walk around a loch, taking photos of swans, chasing dragonflies, when a ghost pushed me (or I slipped on some gravel) and I fell into the loch.  Luckily I slid in, and I was far away from stinging nettles, so no injuries.  Trousers were soaked up to the knee, and my shoes made squelching noises as I walked back to my accommodation, dignity semi-intact.

I have managed to dry my shoes with a hairdryer, and aside from a faint pond scent, I think they are okay, maybe a bit damp.  Being a sensible person, I had spare trousers and shoes in my suitcase.

Managed to locate a student laundry place, and have put trousers in wash.  Charmed a nice student for some washing powder, although he looked a bit suspect, so there is a possibility that I am washing my trousers with cocaine.  No fabric softener, sadly.

I then went to some lectures in my spare trousers, was chewing a biro (which I don't usually do, I was clearly in an anxious state as I was wearing unplanned trousers), and the biro leaked ink all over me.  Got it off my face easily enough, but my smart white top is now speckled blue.

I am happier now as I have had a glass of wine and met a squirrel.

The Bus Journey

From my archives (yes I do have archives):

- On a bus.

- Bus was good until a man sat in front of me and started fidgeting.  Tattoos, lots of sandwiches, a banana, and not wearing his seatbelt. 

- He is also wearing a chain neckace, and after listening in on his phone conversation, I have discovered that he is going to Glasgow and has a lady partner.

- Him.

- Selfie with the bus man:

 

- Bus man has chocolate. Can't see what kind, but I can sense that there is chocolate in the vicinity, and he seems the type to have something good like a snickers bar.

- He just looked directly at me.

- No one else on this bus has noticed bus man.

 

- Why are men on buses so weird?  A man just got onto my bus with a clear plastic bag filled with laundry, and the bag does not even have handles.  Sort it out, boys.

- Think bus man is asleep.  Trying to take a better selfie.

- Bus man was not asleep and caught me trying to take a selfie with him.  I put on a weird accent, and said I wanted a photo of mysef on a bus.  So he has taken a really bad photo of me on a bus:

 

- Changed buses, and so bus man and I have parted ways.  I am now on the luminous disco  bus sitting next to Mrs Chanel:

 

 

 

- Ugh am surrounded by the false hip 'n' lipstick bridgade.

 

- Too much perfume.  Too.  Much.  Perfume.

 

- MADE IT HOME.  Disembarked bus, and I now smell like Mrs Chanel.

 



The Comedy of Errors

The Comedy of Errors was a production we had been planning for ages, and was not at all the result of too many bananas being ordered in an online shop.

Thank you to sainsburys for making this production possible.

Banana bread recipe:

4oz coconut oil

4oz coconut sugar (or brown, or any)

4oz maple syrup

2 eggs (beaten before added in)

8oz self-raising flour (or use plain with 3 level teaspoons baking powder)

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

2 big bananas

Squeeze of lemon juice

1. Preheat over to 180C/350F.  Grease & line tin (I used a brownie one, you can also use a bread tin). 

2. Beat coconut oil, sugar and maple syrup in a bowl. Then beat in eggs, gradually.

3. Fold in flour and cinnamon.

4. Peel & mash bananas. Fold into the mixture.

5. Put in tin and cook for about an hour, or until risen and firm to touch.

6. Cool and eat.

Titus Andronicus

The Tempest

This production came out of a request for Shakes-pear productions to cast a pineapple as Caliban.  We believe in equal employment for all, and here is the result:

King John

Our production of King John using a cast of papayas came out a request from an amazeballs lecturer.  Papaya are good to work with, and do not bruise easily, unlike bananas, making Arthur's death scene easier to produce.  

Curtain.

Made in Chelsea recap 2

Another Made in Chelsea recap, told through fruit and some eggs.  The last...until maybe the New York spin off.  Maybs.

                               

...these people are nuts, so if I ever blog about them again, I will be representing them through brazils, hazelnuts, almonds, etc.

Made in Chelsea recap

Here is an artistic interpretation of Made in Chelsea:

Next time: I think we will have another Shakes-pear performance, and at some point, a tinder inspired fashion blog.  Tarra for now!