Going on Dragons Den

I've had an amazing idea for a product. So here is my pitch, and if any of you fancy making it and sharing profit with me, get in touch!

1. What is the one thing in your life that reeeeeally annoys you, wont listen to reason, and you can't throw because it'll break?

That's right - laptops and computers.

These are one of the most helpful yet irritating inventions known to man. They lose your work, go to sleep at inconvenient times, and are slow when you want them to be quick. How do we vent our frustration? We shout and curse. Do we feel better? No, because the computer does not realise.

2. The solution: punishment for pcs. An item where you can smack the hell out of your pc without damaging it. Perhaps a hitting stick with feathers on the end (feathers don't break things). If we could attach a response to the pc where on being belted it says 'sorry, I will try to do better' this would also be good.

It also needs a nice SLAP sound.

Dale is now my favourite hamster

One of my hamsters was being very cute, crawled up my jumper to say hello...was nosing about my face and then proceeded to BITE my between-eyebrows-bridge-of-nose facial region.

I now have a predicament in that I have a clear red splotch there, and am unsure of how to go from here...I don't want people seeing a red mark and thinking I have a spot. But I also don't want to use concealer on a war injury. I really don't want to explain to randoms that Chip is a biting shitebag.

Oh what's a girl to dooooo

excited

I am excited because it's February.  Here is what one is looking forward to:

1. Valentines Day.  An excellent excuse to eat pizza and quaff prosecco. And steal someone elses flowers to feel like an extra special cat burglar.

2.  fitbit being delivered.  I am rubbish with gadgets, but this is a pedometer and sleep monitor, so if all it requires me to do is walk and sleep, I should be fine.

3.  Champagne tasting evening. This leads to discounts on champagne, which are always welcome, and it is always fun pretending to 'taste' booze when really you're finding it increasingly difficult to stand upright, and have hidden bread sticks in your handbag.

4. Weekend in the south but still north at the battleship championships.  Wonderful opportunity to watch good battleships and drink.

5. forty hundredth attempt at properly doing a juice detox.  Of course I'll cheat, but at least I'll have heaps of vitamins in addition to the chips.

6.  MARCH. March is sooooo much better than February.  aaaiiieeeee!!!!

OMG I forgot pancake day.  I'm losing my touch.  This is a very important day where we remember Jesus not eating and fasting by eating as many pancakes as possible.  The day after is Ash Wednesday, where we remember Jesus's friends setting fire to palm trees or something. 

You'd never know I went to a Catholic school.

Another sensible entry

I've just survived the plague, and as a way of showing how grateful I am to survive, and give back to society, I have written a guide to overcoming illness:

1. Champagne and ice cream. This never fails.

2. If you're cheap (and your flatmate thinks you're joking when you ask for this), orange juice and carbs. I opted for crisps, chips, fortune cookies and chocolate.

(The weight gain keeps you warm, so don't stress over that)

3. To keep burning calories, and avoid gaining too much weight from your new healthy diet, keep complaining about being ill. Complaining burns CALORIES.

Just got distracted by H&M David Beckham advert. If that is a butt double, it will ruin my life.

4. Sleeping is boring, but pretending to be asleep is fun. And probably just as beneficial.

5. If you pretend you're eating salad when you're eating crisps, it feels healthier.


In other news, I really want a bronze of myself. It's much more flattering than clay, and much less narcissistic and cringe-worthy than portraits. I think a bronze would be a good power move...the postman will never dare deliver the wrong mail if there's a bronze of me in the hallway. I HATE it when other people's mail is delivered to my flat. You get your hopes up when you hear he letterbox rattle, and to find out it's not even for you is just intolerable. Especially when you've buzzed the postie in at 7am.

Also started playing a game called word game and am RAGING that I'm losing to someone who uses words like 'ba' 'be' 'jog' and 'nod'. He may have a PhD, but that does not make it any more tolerable.

Nnnggghhh

I care which little ratbag started it

I've been thinking recently about the phrase 'I don't care who started it'. Teachers used to say this a lot in school, and the more I think about it, the more lazy and irresponsible it seems.

Firstly, as a teacher, you are PAID to care. Your job is to teach those ragamuffins, not totally dismiss the cause of issues amongst them by declaring you don't care who started it.

Secondly, in a court of law, that would never, ever stand. Can you imagine if I tried mugging someone, they fought back, and the judge boomed 'I don't care who started it, you shouldn't be fighting!'?

I know investigating these things is a pain in the arse, but I think not acknowledging who is the root cause of a squabble or fight is still important. At the moment, we are telling kids that it doesn't matter if you start a row because you will both get punished equally, I.e. you can be a dick to someone and they'll get punished as well as having had you being a dick to them. Hahahhaaaa!

I propose trials for all those over the age of 3. Obviously sometimes the wrong outcome will be made, but this teaches youngsters that 1. Life isn't fair and 2. That you will still have a 'fair' trial in which to see that life isn't fair.

Welcome to the real world, folks.