Haven't written in a while

...so I decided to update.

I don't like games. The electronic ones, like super mario, candy crush, bingo etc. I just think the computer cheats, because I always lose even though I am actually quite a good gamer.

I want a good chess set, so I can play chess with people with a glass of wine. I really want replicas of the Lewis chessmen 'cause they're really fugly and cute, but I can't afford that. This is what savings accounts are for. On the bright side I have champagne and borolo, so at least I can drink some good wine.

Diet not happening because I like Mccoys crisps and cornettos at the moment. Wish I liked celery, but I think it is stringy and weird.

I have two guest blog entries coming up: one had to be on 'lad culture' so it is basically an angry Liz rant:

http://quiteirregular.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/lad-culture-loser-culture-elizabeth-rogers-on-the-lad-culture-report/

Would quite like to research this topic properly and do more with it. Hmm.

And the other will be on inspiration and creativity...but seeing as I am not inspirational or creative, I might try to alter this topic. Perhaps irritable and chaotic?

David Kirsch detox day one

Detox kit comprises:

Sachets full of powder. No food in sight. Hm.

First thing in the morning you have a grape flavoured detox sachet. This is fine. Grapey.

Then you have a vanilla milkshake.

Not fine.

I think I must have mixed it wrong, as reviewers say it is chalky and flavourless, but I found it was like drinking cake mix.

I didn't mix the super green blend in as the instructions say, as reviewers say not to do this. I am drinking it now mixed with water and the only way to describe it is that I am drinking green.

It's very green and tastes of green mixed with a hint of something sweet. Not sure 'berry' is accurate, Mr Kirsch.

At lunch you are supposed to have a salad with chicken or fish, sprinkled with lemon juice. Well I ate out today and it wasn't on the menu so I had soup and bread, meaning I've cheated already.

And I'm about to eat a creme egg.

To conclude, I don't think I'm very good at detoxing.

Poetry

I've been thinking a lot about the poems I like recently. I love T S Eliot, Spike Milligan, Ezra Pound, Margaret Atwood...

But I HATE a lot of other poetry.

My pet peeve is when these poets start banging on about the weather, and their feelings. Pathetic fallacy, yea yea yea we get it. But if you're living in the UK, and you get all emotional over a rain drop, how on earth can you cope?! If you lose it every time there's a rainbow, you aren't going to get very far.

Especially as I'm proposing a boycott of ALL THE WEATHER POEMS.

Let's end their reign of tyranny.

We do not need to talk, ever, ever.

The phrase 'we need to talk' needs to be eradicated and replaced.

'I need to talk' - because it is presumptuous to think that that the other person will also need to talk.

'I want to talk' - because really, does anyone ever NEED to talk? It is not exactly the same as needing a wee.


Better than this, how about just talking? Instead of announcing the fact that you've got something to say? You don't hear me announcing that I'm about the feed the fish, or text someone back. Conversation is not twitter.


That is all.

Going on Dragons Den

I've had an amazing idea for a product. So here is my pitch, and if any of you fancy making it and sharing profit with me, get in touch!

1. What is the one thing in your life that reeeeeally annoys you, wont listen to reason, and you can't throw because it'll break?

That's right - laptops and computers.

These are one of the most helpful yet irritating inventions known to man. They lose your work, go to sleep at inconvenient times, and are slow when you want them to be quick. How do we vent our frustration? We shout and curse. Do we feel better? No, because the computer does not realise.

2. The solution: punishment for pcs. An item where you can smack the hell out of your pc without damaging it. Perhaps a hitting stick with feathers on the end (feathers don't break things). If we could attach a response to the pc where on being belted it says 'sorry, I will try to do better' this would also be good.

It also needs a nice SLAP sound.

Dale is now my favourite hamster

One of my hamsters was being very cute, crawled up my jumper to say hello...was nosing about my face and then proceeded to BITE my between-eyebrows-bridge-of-nose facial region.

I now have a predicament in that I have a clear red splotch there, and am unsure of how to go from here...I don't want people seeing a red mark and thinking I have a spot. But I also don't want to use concealer on a war injury. I really don't want to explain to randoms that Chip is a biting shitebag.

Oh what's a girl to dooooo

excited

I am excited because it's February.  Here is what one is looking forward to:

1. Valentines Day.  An excellent excuse to eat pizza and quaff prosecco. And steal someone elses flowers to feel like an extra special cat burglar.

2.  fitbit being delivered.  I am rubbish with gadgets, but this is a pedometer and sleep monitor, so if all it requires me to do is walk and sleep, I should be fine.

3.  Champagne tasting evening. This leads to discounts on champagne, which are always welcome, and it is always fun pretending to 'taste' booze when really you're finding it increasingly difficult to stand upright, and have hidden bread sticks in your handbag.

4. Weekend in the south but still north at the battleship championships.  Wonderful opportunity to watch good battleships and drink.

5. forty hundredth attempt at properly doing a juice detox.  Of course I'll cheat, but at least I'll have heaps of vitamins in addition to the chips.

6.  MARCH. March is sooooo much better than February.  aaaiiieeeee!!!!

OMG I forgot pancake day.  I'm losing my touch.  This is a very important day where we remember Jesus not eating and fasting by eating as many pancakes as possible.  The day after is Ash Wednesday, where we remember Jesus's friends setting fire to palm trees or something. 

You'd never know I went to a Catholic school.